I have been working on educating myself for a while now and have studied many great books, learned a lot, and changed quite a bit. The problem is that I now feel that I have not been going far enough. I have not been doing very much writing, OK I have been doing next to no writing. Lately I have been feeling the pull of the pen, yet I hesitate and avoid it. I take notes on what I read and rewrite things that don't make sense to me in my own words, but I do not do much by way of complete sentences or paragraphs. This has to change.
I have spent some time the last week pondering my aversion to writing. I was a successful writer in college. My professors loved the papers I wrote. I even had no problem writing six or seven 15-20 page papers each semester for one class, I usually had five or six classes per semester. The conclusion I came to is complicated, simple. I was good at school. I felt educated because I had a degree and studied so many hours and so many books that I can't even count them, yet when I started to study for myself a few years ago I realized that I was wrong. I was neither good at studying or educated. I wasn't even that smart. For a long time I felt nothing but frustration at my education. I didn't like this at all. I have come a long way. I don't feel educated or smart, although I am better at studying. I am worried that I am not as good at writing at I thought. I may find myself a failure in this as well.
Some things that I have learned about failure are first that it stinks. It is hard, it is embarrassing, and it makes me cry. Next, that it is inevitable. Third that the only real failure is the failure to try. My fear of failure has kept me from doing many things that I may have enjoyed. More importantly it has kept me from learning lessons that may have strengthened me.
I have on occasion failed, OK I fail all the time. Last week I thought about my failures. I let myself really feel the failures and many time I cried. What I found, though, was that it was not as bad looking back as I thought it was at the time. I realized one thing about all my failures were me always ending up on my knees and then always getting back up again. I could not have made it if not for prayer and my Savior, but miraculously I made it. Each time, big or small, I got back up stronger and more determined than before. I have learned that failure is nothing to be scared of, it is something we should embrace, experience fully, and then move on. That is why the Lord has made it possible to repent, each time we do it is like starting over.
I am now repenting of my failure to write. I will not be afraid of being bad at writing. I will take each criticism and use it to make myself that much better. I will even write some things without worrying about proper form or criticism. Now I just need to find someone who will really critique me. I pulled out a new composition notebook. I am going to decorate it tonight with my girls because I like pretty things and will start writing now.
