New outlook

I have had a difficult summer. This pregnancy has been so hard on me, I do not' want to go into all of the details, because I have been dwelling on them too much lately. I am finally feeling well enough to focus on studying again. I finished some things that I started in the beginning of summer, but did not get to and now am ready to get started on new projects. For a while, I thought that I was just not ready for a scholar type education. I spent some more time early this spring just trying things out in a LOL style. I now feel restless with this style of learning anymore. I still feel like I do not want to do all of the things that make a student a scholar, such as writing everyday, but know that I have to and even want to see if I can over come this feeling and challenge myself.
Here are the concerns that I have that are causing me anxiety. First, I am still unsure of my "scholar abilities". Second, I feel that I am so far behind where I should be at this point. I also wonder if I have enough time to make it worthwhile. Something that has surprised me is that I am not a good writer. In college, I was good at writing. I wrote all the time and my professors loved and praised my writing. Now that I do not have a "topic" to write about, I have no idea what to write or how to do it. I sit down to write and my mind wanders. This is the part of scholar phase that I am struggling with the most.
I have been mostly reading classic fiction books because I have always loved fiction. Looking back over the books I have read I realize that they have made a difference in my life. I am a better person for reading them and understand myself better. I have really appreciated the group that I go to at Nicholeen's house. I have really benefited from the things that we have read and the discussions also. I do not know if I would have read many of them on my own. I want to venture into other genres myself but do not know how to do it.
This does not mean that I am giving up on my hand work. Iforgot how relaxing and rewarding that it. Now that it will be getting cooler I can work more on quilting and things to stay warm.

The Princess Academy

Donna Goff started The Princess Academy in response to concerns she had about her youngest daughter. She wanted a way for her to learn about true womanhood and believed other mothers wanted the same for their daughters. She wondered if those mothers didn't know how to begin. From this she created a primer for mothers called The Princess Academy and The Hope Chest Journey Rediscovering the Lost Arts of Godly Womanhood (A Primer for Mothers).

She not only included mothers and daughters, but also single women and those that do have have any daughters. These women are those who are "seeking Th refinement of Godly womanhood through developing in beauty and grace from the inside out," (from page 1 of the Primer).

The program consists of several types of groups, called Princess Circles, to help with the journey and make friends. The first is Little Princesses for girls age six through nine and their mothers. The next is called Princess Academy, this is for young ladies age ten through thirteen and their mothers. Maidens consist of girls age fourteen to eighteen and their mothers. Another circle is called Prairie Princesses. These are women and mothers and daughters of any age who focus on provident living skills. The Art of Queenship is a group for adult women single or married.

These groups are meant to teach girls as well as their mothers about how beautiful it is to be a woman, especially when we embrace our divine rolls as princesses of our Heavenly King. They will learn the are of Home Making and not the falsehood of homemaking. They will be better prepared to be a help meet to their husbands and have the know how to make their homes happy.

I love the idea of this. I was ill-prepared to be a wife when I got married and not prepared to be a mother when I had my first child. I do not want my girls to have to learn the skills necessary to be successful women the way I did, it was long and sometimes painful, and still on going.

Hand sewing

For the last two weeks I have been looking over forgotten projects and planning how to finish them. I did not remember how relaxing and fun it is to sew by hand. Lately I have been hurrying through projects on the sewing machine just to get them done not worrying very much about how they look. I forgot that I am actually good at sewing, especially by hand. I make beautiful quilts, clothing, and even toys when I take the time to slow down and use my hands instead of a machine. I am also able to do this and still spend time with my family and it takes very little concentration.

I have started a new scrap quilt made only from fabrics I already had at home and have designed (by this I mean copied most of a design I found online and changed it a little) a scout quilt that I am going to make for my husband for Christmas. I pulled out a quilt I pieced while I was pregnant with Lola and started to quilt after she was born, but put it away when I found out she could not be set down until she was asleep for the night. I am quilting the one now and then when I get cold, but it is too hot to have a quilt on my lap for too long. I am piecing the scrap quilt while I wait for the fabric for the scout quilt to come in the mail.

I have looked forward to the time when I could teach my daughter how to sew from the time I found out that my first baby was a girl. I thought that it would be a long time in the future even now because of time and the dexterity of the girls, but even my three year old can sew a running stitch if I thread the needle for her. I am really enjoying being able to teach them something that I am actually good at. We are having fun and I am really looking forward to them being able to finish something that they can actually use, such as a blanket for their doll or a toy.

I will post some pictures of the quilt that I am quilting now and the others as they come together. I love to document not just the end, but the process as well.

Sorry about the bad pictures, taking them by myself was not a good idea.


Here is a close up of the quilting.


Another close up.

A different kind of scholar

I have tried for the last two weeks to continue with my scholar studies like I always have been, but have found it impossible. I guess that my weak, little, pregnant mind was not meant for those things. What I mean is that I am learning more about seasons and how they differ from person to person and over a lifetime. This pregnancy has been a trial to say the least, but I am finally learning lessons that I am sure I could not learn any other way. Most importantly how much I need my Father in Heaven and how little I can actually accomplish on my own. I have learned to slow down and trust my body. I am learning to let myself not be in control of everything. There are many more, but that will be for another time. One very important idea that I have been reminded of is that I have talents other than those the world considers scholarly, but are scholarly none the less. The Lord has reminded me that these things are important as well and that now is the time to revisit them and cultivate them. None of these things take much concentration and so they are perfect for me right now because I have the attention span of a gnat (I am worse than my baby sometimes).

Back from the break

I have taken a break from doing much of anything for about two months. I am ready to get back into the swing of things. I will not be near as intense, but I will be studying and being an example to my children. My goal is to write two to three times each week. I have set other goals, but I need to work for a week or two to see how realistic I have been. I tend to make bigger plans than I am capable of much of the time, so we will just have to see. Luckily I have been reading a little bit so I will have something to write about today.

Random thoughts on O Pioneers!

When Ivar is worried that Alexandra might have to put him in an asylum because of how he worships God he says, "You believe that everyone should worship God in the way revealed to him. But that is not the way of this country. The way here is for all to do alike." He probably means in that town, but that is how our whole country is today and not necessarily just with worship. Most people believe in freedom of religion and even one of my Articles of Faith tells us that this is true, but I am afraid that some of those who belong to the same church as me take the adage, "Only true and living church" to mean, "Only church." I think that the leaders of my church are doing a good job of trying to end this mentality, but the people don't always hear what the leaders are saying.. Plus, they say they believe this, but still act like everyone has to believe in and then join our church.

The problem with believing that all people should worship how God tells them to is where to draw the line. I can accept that some are Christian and some are Jewish and some are Buddhist etc., but what about the radicals of any religion; the Muslims who blow up building and people or the Baptists who protest at a fall war hero’s funeral. I don't think that we can really think like this and still be safe. There are also those serial killers who believe that God was talking to them, telling them to kill. I am not sure how to reconcile this.

Carl Linstrum comes back and Alexandra and him are musing over the fact that they miss the way the country used to be before it became successful. He tells her that the story of their lives is being rewritten all over again. He says, "Is n't it queer: there are only two or three human stories and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened before." At first I didn't understand what was meant by this, but after some thought I believe that this is a lamentation over the fact that we no longer look to our elders as wisdom holders. We see them with frailty and as another burden to take care of. We do not seek advice from them. Young mothers do not ask older mothers for help with their children, they read books or watch television programs. Old mothers do not offer advice to young mothers. The same thing goes for men too, young fathers rarely talk to older men about how to handle the stress of a job, a family, church callings, etc. We can learn a lot from those who have already experienced what we are experiencing right now. I recently read that learning from the experience of other’s is difficult for people now because it is submitting to an authority and admitting that we need help.
Pride is the great sin of my generation which is what keeps us from seeking a leader and keeps leaders from trying to lead us. A perfect example happened in my life. When I had my first child I decided that I was going to nurse her. When I would try to talk to people about this the only response I got was that it was painful. This was not good news to me. It may have been true, but no one offered any advice on how to prevent the pain or even what to do about it. I knew I was ill prepared when she was born, but I tried it anyway. Well by the time I figured out on my own how to do it right I was in a lot of pain and even worse I didn't know how to cure it. Finally a woman in my ward told me what to do to heal, offered support during the healing process, and then told me how to prevent the pain the next time. I could have done a better job seeking support, but the little seeking I did yielded no fruit. I feel strongly that women have an obligation to other women to support and teach them about pregnancy, childbirth, and child rearing. Historically this was wisdom passed on by family members, but we no longer have families like we used to. I believe that one of the reasons that the Lord established the Relief Society so that young sisters would have a whole group of experienced women to seek support and advice from and all of us need to take advantage of this.

"If Alexandra had much imagination she might have guessed what was going on in Marie's mind, and she would have seen long before what was going on in Emil's." She was too busy with her own issues to see those around her. In that same paragraph Cather writes that her (Alexandra‘s) personal life almost always took a back seat to her work. I do this sometimes. I find myself being too busy to see what is going on in my house and then all of a sudden I realize that my children are being naughty or bickering with each other all because I was too busy to see that they needed some attention. I try hard to not say, I'm busy, or Not right now, very often to my children, and if I catch myself saying it more than once in a day I make myself stop what I am doing and be a mother. In the April 2008 conference Elder Ballard gave a talk and he quoted Anna Quniland about her experience of missing the moments with her children. She could remember a day that her children were sitting outside on a quilt only because she had a photograph of it, but couldn't remember anything about the day and regrets it. After hearing that talk and studying it I decided that I didn't want to have regrets like that and that I would make time to be in the moment and stop rushing to get things done. I realized that I love to have done things and not actually doing them. I wanted to have memories of doing something, but not actually take the time to make the memories. I am getting better at being in the moment.

O Pioneer! essay, contains spoilers!!!

O Pioneers! is the story of Alexandra Bergson, a woman who inherits her family farm in 1883 much to the consternation of her two bothers. Alexandra is a strong willed and determined woman who develops a tremendous vision of the future of the Nebraska Prairie. She is fiercely independent and clear-headed which helps her to become a wealthy land owner despite her brothers.
The book begins with a bleak description of the prairie in which the story takes place and the four main characters are introduced; Alexandra and Emil Bergson, Carl Linstrum, and Marie Tovesky (later Shabata). The first three are heading to their homes outside of town known as the Divide. Once home, Alexandra’s dieing father informs her and her two younger brothers, Lou and Oscar, that he is leaving Alexandra in charge of the family farm and they are to let her lead them. He wants her to continue what he has started by immigrating to America from Sweden and building the farm they live on..
Alexandra proves that her father made a good decision when he chose her to take over within three years of his death. There is a major drought and depression that happen and her resolve allows her to persevere when many of her neighbors give up and sell their farms cheap, and move back to the cities. This includes her good friend and bordering neighbors,. Carl and his family. The news that they are leaving hits Alexandra hard and she takes a deep look at the situation and makes a determination, against her brothers’ wishes, to go into debt to purchase some the neighboring farms that are being sold in hopes that some day the land will be profitable.
The story skips forward sixteen years. Alexandra was right. The land began to produce after the people learned how to farm it right and her and her brothers are quite wealthy. Emil who is fifteen years younger than Alexandra returns home from college with plans to go to law school. Alexandra has very high hopes for him and looks forward to what he will accomplish by not being strapped to the farm like his brothers and sister. We are re-introduced to a now grown up and married Marie. She is a beautiful, lively girl whom everyone likes, but her husband is a proud man who is not very well liked. He is insanely jealous of her and is always suspicious.
Carl returns to visit on his way to Alaska for a few weeks. Alexandra and Carl pick their relationship up as if no time had passed. Marie reveals how unhappy she is in her marriage and it becomes clear that she and Emil are beginning to fall in love with each other, but she is a very devout Catholic and will not compromise herself. Emil tells Alexandra that he is going to take a year off from school and spend some time in Mexico. Oscar and Lou confront Alexandra and Carl about their own developing relationship and their fears about Carl taking control of Alexandra‘s‘ land. Carl ends up leaving right away for Alaska and Alexandra and her brothers make a permanent separation from each other.
A year later Emil returns from Mexico. Everyone involved is more unhappy than the year before and there seems no hope of that changing. Emil and Marie find that their separation has not diminished their love, only made it stronger. They finally talk about it and he decides to move permanently away to Boston. Before he can leave his best friend Amedee dies from a burst appendix. While at Mass Emil begins to understand and be reconciled to the fact that he really needs to leave and goes to say good-bye to Marie for the last time.
At the same moment Marie has received the peace about Emil her soul had been searching for and falls asleep in the orchard under the Mulberry tree. This is where Emil finds her, he wakes her, and then lays down next to her. Later that night Marie’s husband, Frank comes home and finds Emil’s horse, but not Emil and Marie. He is convinced that he is finally going to be justified in his jealousy and bad treatment of Marie. He grabs his gun and goes looking for them. He stumbles upon them lying together in the orchard; he shoot and murders them both.
Months later Alexandra is still grieving in her way. She can’t seem to blame Frank and vows to work until she gets him pardoned. She blames herself for not seeing what was happening between Emil and Marie and for pushing them together in the first place. She is very upset that she has not heard anything from Carl, but while visiting Frank in prison she receives a telegram that he is waiting for her at her house and to hurry home. They take comfort in each other and decide to marry.